


Only one I see

by KB0821



Category: youth with you 2, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV), 青春有你2
Genre: F/F, Kinda canon compliant, POV Second Person, crackship, hardly any interaction but its okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:34:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23979817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB0821/pseuds/KB0821
Summary: Out of all the 108 girls in that competition, Xu Jiaqi just happens to look at the one who barely register her existence.
Relationships: Xu Jiaqi/ Yu Yan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 67





	Only one I see

**Author's Note:**

> Youth with you 2 is taking over my life. My two biases barely interacts, but Yu Yan cut Kiki's hair, so they might have moments somewhere, right?

You couldn’t take your eyes off her.

There are 109 girls decked out in their performance outfits, all lined up haphazardly in their own groups, arranged in everyone’s talents. Vocals. Dance. Rap.

109- no, make that 108 girls, hands clasped, eyes shut tight, praying, wishing, and pleading as the evaluation results for the first group performance were being announced. 

You could look at any of the 108 fidgety girls, yet your attention is on the one who barely moved an inch.

You are more than thankful that your dance team is a few rows away from the vocal groups. The distance could give you the excuse of facing her direction and pretending that you are looking at the entire scene instead of just one. From where you are, standing behind Lin Xiu, you could act like you’re watching the results for the vocal groups. 

In a sea of white dressed performers all singing about pure love, Yu Yan stood out in her black minidress, ripping audiences’ hearts out with a gut-wrenching song.

You could only see her from behind from this distance, hands behind her like she’s standing in parade rest, her back ramrod straight, her head slightly tilted up towards the overhead screen. There’s no flailing, no jumping or overreacting like most of the girls. The A ranked vocalist Yu Yan is just standing there yet you couldn’t take your eyes off her.

She stood like that for the entire evaluations and you wonder how could someone be this still at this moment. Yu Yan would give a polite clap every once in awhile, a slight tilt of the head in another direction, but other than that, she’s so still.

You wish you could see her face, see if her eyes are as steady as her gait. Or if her eyes betray the nerves she’s trying to hide. That is if there were any nerves to begin with.

You’re brought back to reality when the entire place erupted with cheers for Zoe Wang. In her glasses, mousey height and short hair, she looks like she was plucked out from a children’s show, add an equally obscenely sweet voice and she won the hearts of the youth producers, beating Yu Yan for top vocalist. 

You gave a polite clap before your mind starts to drift to Yu Yan again. You can’t help but ponder how Yu Yan’s eyes must have looked. The winning song Kissing the future of love, is cute and endearing and reminded you of first love. A part of your life that felt more like it belonged to a fictional book, than from an earlier chapter in your story.

But when Yu Yan performed, although you were never heartbroken either, every note, every hardened gaze felt like she’s clawed through your chest and just teared out your heart. 

Yu Yan’s last words still echoes, and you wonder if the floor trembled because of the earth shattering screams from everyone or because she had left you feeling unsteady.

But before your mind dive deeper into thoughts of her again, the harsh reality of rankings came crashing into you. Your heart clenched tightly as you see a member of your Eve team, taking the 109th place. You and Xin Lui picked Aurora to be in your team. Your group should have been indestructible, but there it is, right in the overhead screen, a terrible reminder that sometimes the best performance of your life could just be mediocre for someone else.

And when you see your rank drop from A to a B, reality slaps you with a cold, hard truth that you, Xu Jiaqi of SNH48 have a long ways to go.

*

You remember being the first one who said hello to her during the welcome party. You are Xu Jiaqi of SNH48, 7Senses, and that armed you with a thicker skin, no make up foundation could ever compare. You think she grunted in response, while you see Taobao queen Hana Lin, paralyzed in fear sitting next to Yu Yan, you see her grumpiness as cute than terrifying.

She is one of the few people who landed an A like anything below it, is pure injustice. While you have to show off a solo dance performance, Yu Yan was one who got an A so effortlessly. All 109 girls came their to follow their dream, but Yu Yan is a whole different beast. 

But as soon as evaluations were over, and everyone is giddy in excitement for the first group performance. The triple threat trainee had become someone out of sight, out of mind.

*

You were too busy with practices that you almost completely forgotten about the A trainee except for the fact that Dai Meng couldn’t stop talking about her. 

It wasn’t even talking, it’s more like ranting and you felt like a psychologist trying to evaluate a high level anxiety client. But in a way, you could tell that behind every subtle shade Dai Meng throws at Yu Yan, is a bit of praise and affection.

You know Dai Meng and understand how stubborn she could get. That’s why she’s your leader because no one is capable of pushing her around, but obviously being in the same group as Yu Yan has change that. 

You should be annoyed with it, all four of you have their own performance issues to deal with. You are chosen as a center but with someone as charismatic as Lin Xiu in the same team, it’s hard to stand out.

But it’s these little moments every night, when Dai Meng complains about Yu Yan that sort of eases you a bit. 

You learn a lot about Yu Yan then and what makes her so deadly. You learned that Yu Yan hated wasting time. While everyone is trying to get a feel of things, wondering what image they want to show the idol producers, Yu Yan took the reins within seconds. She assigned every part with an efficiency of a five star General sending her men to battle.

You also learn that Yu Yan puts everyone up to a high standard. If your voice crack, if you miss a millisecond of a beat, if you sing a little bit off key, she’ll stop the rehearsals, make everyone sing again. But it wasn’t just their vocals she was critical about, with those intense eyes she carefully watches everyone’s expressions through the mirror, making sure to remind everyone with a glare that Flammable and explosive ain’t a fucking love song, someone fucked with your heart and you better be livid about it.

The always jolly Xiao Wang is their leader, but while Xiao Wang brings the joy and the jujubes, Yu Yan reels them all back to the reality that this is a competition.

“You keep on talking about Yu Yan maybe you have a crush on her or something,”

You and Yuge instantly look at each other, even someone as timid as Yuge couldn’t even hide her amusement from what Eliwa had blurted out. Eliwa bless her cheerful, cheerful heart is as carefree as an idol can get. While all ten of you from SNH48 joined to get a bit of recognition outside the comfortable realms of SNH theater, Eliwa joined the show to tag along with you guys. She’s your bestfriend and that pureness in her just makes you want to protect her everytime. But its little cracks like this that made you thankful enough that she’s here, easing everyone’s tensions.

And you learn that despite of her hard exterior and how tough she is with her team, her members respected and have nothing but praises for her. 

“Who me?! Like oh my God! It doesn’t work like that!” Dai Meng was almost shouting in Shanghainese now. “She’s an alpha and I’m an alpha! It doesn’t work like that.”

“You read too many ABO fanfics of yourself.” Eliwa mumbles under her breath, but even you can’t help but laugh at it.

“What did she do now?” Yuge asks.

“Actually, I was kinda surprise today.”

“You know Rio Wang?”

All three of you don’t. There’s a 109 girls in this competition, and most of the time, everyone is holed up in their own practice rooms to go and have playdates with anyone. 

“Anyways, she had like this mental breakdown. Xiao Wang was trying to crack jokes but she still wouldn’t stop. Then, Yu Yan just pulled her to the corner, I don’t know what that dictator said, but before I know it, Rio Wang was smiling and giving Yu Yan a hug.”

A hug? Even your attention was caught up in that, now you were more interested on knowing who this Rio Wang is.

“Were you jealous?”

“Shut up, YangYang. We are on the twentieth floor, there’s no way you’ll make it alive if I pushed you down.”

“Sounds like a guilty admission to me,” Eliwa says playfully, earning a guttural growl and a kick from Dai Meng.

But as Dai Meng is busy beating the shit out of your bestfriend, you couldn’t help but think, does Dai Meng actually like Yu Yan this way? Or Eliwa is just reading too much webtoons again.

*

You found an unlikely ally in Xin Liu, she exudes a coolness to her that you only wish you could have. You are constantly surrounded by the cookie cutter pretty girls in SNH48. And in this show, multiply that by twice. 

Much to your surprise, the seemingly uber cool Xin Liu is more of a jiejie to you even if you're older. Your conversations goes from popping classes to talking hours on end about the best foundations and the latest vitamin supplement.

It was close to dawn you think, You’re both slumped down in the corner of a practice room after another grueling practice for the theme song evaluations. Earning a B felt like such a slap to your face, you gave it your all in your Eve performance, your entire team did. But life just isn’t fair.

You aren’t such a fan of the color pink but there’s nothing you would want more than to be wearing a pink shirt with the gigantic A on the back. So, in your blue shirt with an embarrassing B printed on the back, you poured out your frustration in every beat of such an infuriating catchy song.

You are so, so, so tired but all you could think about is how is Yu Yan doing over there in A. You heard it from someone who heard it from someone, that when Lisa laoshi pretty much rip every member of group A a new one, Yu Yan is one of the only two members who were spared from the emotional trauma.

Yu Yan smiling through the whole dance was both fascinating and terrifying at the same time.

What you would give up to see her smile.

It was happening more and more often, the random disruptive thoughts about her. And you wish you know how to end it, Dai Meng doesn’t talk as much about her anymore, but after the performance, they somehow ended up as friends. But you?

You just see her, here and there, and all you could get is just a cool nod in greeting and a barely there smile.

You don’t know what came up to you. You must be so exhausted in practicing for the theme song evaluations that you’re starting to hallucinate and blurt things,

“Is it even right to think about someone you don’t even talk too?”

Xin Liu just smiled as if she knew exactly who you are talking about.

“When it happens, it happens.”

“Okay, maybe thinking is not the right word,” You sobered up, shaking your head, hoping to shake off your thoughts. “Maybe ummm… curious?”

“You’re curious about someone?” Xin Liu is teasing you now.

“Yeah, curious is right.”

“Then, why don’t you try to get to know her so you could feed that curiosity?”

Easier said than done. 

Xin Liu turns to face you, crescent eyes exhausted yet filled with so much amusement. 

“It all starts with a Hi, then, ask how she’s doing?”

“How to be smooth like you, laoshi?” You joked seamlessly, the worry you had earlier dissipating as the dawn makes it way.

“Hey, you’re Kiki Xu of SNH48, seven senses.” She gives you a playful nudge “If anyone can charm somebody in this competition, it would be you.”

*

You ran your fingers through your hair and a tinge of worry starts to build. They can call you narcissistic for worrying about your hair growing a few inches longer, but your short hair is your signature. You’re in the midst of a competition, you can’t be slacking off. They have a nickname for you online, calling you the short haired goddess.

You had longer hair before during your earlier days in SNH48, but it was when you cut it short is when you stood out among the other 48 or 200, you can’t keep count anymore.

You’re fresh out of the shower, hair still wet as you’re waiting for Dai Meng to look for a pair of scissors. 

You heard someone knocking, and you told the person on the other side of the door to come in. Yuge and Eliwa are out rehearsing and Dai Meng is still out looking for scissors.

“Hi.”

Your face might have look comical right now cause you see Yu Yan’s usually stone cold expression crack a little smile. Yu Yan, yes, Yu Yan, hair now dyed in deep red standing right there by your bathroom doorway, holding a pair of scissors like she's either going to murder you or murder your hair.

You stared at her then the scissors, the scissors then back at her again.

“Yu Yan laoshi.”

Laoshi cause really, you two really never got a chance to even talk. Now both of you are a couple of feet away and you look like you have wet broom on top of your head.

She scoffs waving you off, “You don’t have to call me laoshi, Dai Meng said you needed a haircut.”

“I… I ummm… I did, she’s supposed to look for scissors.”

“Yes, she went over my room to borrow it. I ask her if she knew how to do it, and she said how hard could it be?”

“That doesn’t sound so reassuring.”

“I know, right? I told her I know a thing or two about doing hair. She fluffs her now fiery red hair with pride. “I dyed it myself.”

“You look…” Hot, great, amazing, so fucking sexy? “Nice.”

“Thanks.” She gave you a tight smile. “If this whole idol thing don’t work out, I can open my own saloon.” 

“That’s a good back up plan.” You look away anywhere else except at her. “But you don’t have to, I umm… you’re probably so busy with practice.”

She smiles back and you were in a state of shock for a few seconds, 

“It’s okay, faking a smile is so hard.”

The next thing she did was worse and you’re surprise you didn’t even up having a seizure from it.

She took a step forward and without a care in the world, she runs her fingers through your hair and you’re left in a state where you don’t know whether to slap her hand away or to kiss her senselessly. 

Kiss her senselessly?

Now you’re just seriously losing it.

Her fingertips linger at the tips of your hair. You don’t know if your mind is playing tricks on you when you catch her gazing at your lips before returning her attention back to your eyes.

“Do you want to do it here or in the bedroom?”

Oh shit.

“Ummm in my bed,” Your eyes bulge out of their sockets when you realize how wrong that sounds. “I mean the bedroom, I mean there is more space there, you know to do it.” You really need to stop talking. “I mean not do it, I mean to cut my hair.”

“Okay.” She shrugs again, 

You ushered her back to your room, she quickly turns away until you see your bra hanging by your bed railing, you quickly shoved it underneath your pillow but the damage has already been done.

You hurriedly turn your bedroom into a makeshift saloon, dragging your desk chair in front of the mirror. You steal a glance back at her, and you see her eyes curiously looking around the room, almost childlike and you don’t know if you have seen anything as adorable. 

“Cool poster.”

“Huh?” You tilt your head in confusion, until she points out to the gigantic poster of you. “Oh? Ummm…” 

She is smiling back at you, looking completely amused by your furious blush.

“C’mon! I’m sure you have a poster of Special Forces 1, Special Forces 2 and Special forces 3 in your room.”

You don’t know where that side of you came from. Weren’t you used to be terrified of her? And now you’re joking about the three movies she starred in? Her smile only grew wider, her usual fierce gaze looks almost soft.

“Oh no, I’m not the main character there so I didn’t make it to the poster. But when I get enough fans from this show, maybe I’ll be the star of Special forces 4.”

“I better get your autograph then, before you give Angelababy a run for her money.”

She was still smiling then, you never consider yourself as funny. But making her smile like that, make you feel like you won a comedy award.

“So, have you seen those new hairstyles where it’s shaved underneath?”

“Oh yeah, but I don’t think I could rock that look.”

“You’re so pretty, you could rock any hair.” She lifts your hair up, and you felt a shiver on your nape. “it fits your whole seven senses girl crush look.”

“Ahhh for our next album, I’ll suggest that.” You took a sigh, trying to brush off that she called you pretty. “Sorry Dai Meng made you step out of your practice for this.”

“I don’t mind, it’ll be quick anyway.” Her eyes look up to meet yours in the mirror. You faltered first. “I mean I’m not going to rush it, it’s just a few snips and should be done. I don’t know how to shave hair stylishly yet.”

“Okay, take your time.”

And you meant it, you didn’t know how this moment could make your heart start and stop at the same time. 

“How short do you want it?”

“Maybe, ummm… a little bit below my chin.”

“Alright.”

You wished you two can talk more while she trims your hair, but you see her brows furrowed in concentration and you just take what you can get, just reveling in watching her like this. You don’t think you can start a conversation anyway, not when you shiver everytime her fingers accidentally brushes against your skin.  
It was over before you know it. She sends tingle down your spine again as she brushes the hair out of your shirt. 

“There. Perfect.”

You realized this was a rare moment that you barely look at your reflection in the mirror. The entire time, your gaze is lock on her every snip, every breathe, just everything about her.

“Thank you again.”

“You’re welcome.” She looks around the floor, “Do you have a broom? I could sweep this all up for you.”

“What? No. you already cut my hair. I could sweep it up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” 

You want to say something, but what? It’s not like you can ask her for coffee or tea. How about practice? You can ask her if she would like to practice together. No, for once, you want her to see you as more than just a competition.

“I got to go.” 

There goes your chance as well.

“Yes, ummm… thanks again. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime, you should drink ginger tea.”

“What?”

She paused by the door, her perfect lips jutted out in a pout and you realize it’s an expression you haven’t seen before. She points to her throat.

“You’re starting to lose your voice.”

*

You think that the only advantage of being in B is being able to look at Yu Yan this close. It was rankings once again, this time instead of the ritziest outfits, you are all fitted in different colored shirts, every color weighing heavily in everyone shoulders. From the pink shirts trying to remain in A to the grey shirts desperately wanting to climb out of F.

You kept your gaze on the stage, trying so hard not to distract yourself. You have much bigger things to worry about than how pretty the vocalist looked in her red hair. 

You were one of the first people called on the stage. You pump yourself up, knowing you gave it your all during the theme song evaluations, to the point that you lost your voice. You smiled when you remember her pointing out about the ginger tea and how you’re losing your voice. 

Everyone was murmuring that you’re sure to be back in A. A part of you wonders if she feels that same way too, that if you should be standing next to her, instead of looking at her from behind. 

You look at your card and faked the politest smile you could muster. You tried so hard not to look at her direction, instead you look up to try to catch the gaze of Eliwa, or Dai Meng or Yuge, any of the 108 girls except her. But from the corner of your eye, you could see her looking at you, but you rip your gaze away from her before your eyes can meet.

Everything felt like a rollercoaster after. Exhilaration, depression, the entire place is just a chaotic mix of every emotion.

You hadn’t dialed back in again until they were announcing the only three girls who remained in A. You wished you had her confidence when she answered Kun PD a confident no, when asked if she was worried. 

And she was right, of course she is, she belonged in A. Triple A. 

While here you are, still looking at her from behind.

But there was no room for self pity. You made it to A once, and just a little more push, you’ll be back there again. 

She wasn’t much for grand speeches or out for rallying the troops. In a few words, she smiles, you falter and then she thanks her team, your heart swelling as she pats Zoe Wang’s and Sharon Wang's hair affectionately.

KUN PD ends the ranking results and every trainee bows their head in gratitude. You stood back up, feeling a pair of eyes on you. You glanced on the line in front, when you caught the gaze of the redhead, triple A trainee. Before you could even smile back, or mouth a congratulations, she quickly snapped her attention back to the front, leaving you staring at her from behind again.

And you just promise yourself that next time, you’ll be standing right next to her.

TBC


End file.
